I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
i'm trying to reconcile what i did last night with who i am as a person.
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
Randomize
