M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
Its that time of week again, Bad life decision wednesday
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
Randomize
