All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
of course we have a beer bong
how else would we feed our christmas tree
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
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