margarita wednesday is really going to dip into new year's eve thursday
She's like a pop up book from hell.
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
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