Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
I am now best friends with a lesbian named Zulu. I am pretty hammered already and made a game time decision to stay here another night,for partying purposes
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
Randomize
