On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
Randomize
