Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
That is correct. I did in fact somehow pass out in the tanning booth for over an hour. And yes the attendant did have to open it up and shake me awake.
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
Is it bad that I like to have a guy to flirt with in every class? I feel like it's excellent motivation: to shave, to shower and to show up.
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
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