I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
ttyl tear gas
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
i was in class looking for a pencil and found a chicken strip in my back pack. i think i might have a problem.. sad thing is i ate it
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