took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
Randomize