the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
I think the world is coming to an end. Earthquakes, huricanes, floods, and now you say you LOVE him. Im building a shelter and going into hiding.
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
I had to google some of the kinky sex shit she was telling me she was into.
If that is not a reason to propose to her then I don't know what is
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
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