I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
Why is your signature on my underwear?
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
My butt remains clenched, sir.
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
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