one might say we're banned from that church
i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
He said he would pay my bar tab if he couldn't answer my question. He lost to the age old question of our youth. Why did pogs go out of style.
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
Randomize
