Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
who has not yet felt my sugrcially enhanced boobs. HurryI am at the bnar and it is 1:15 am
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
Randomize
