You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
Would an open wound count as good sex or bad sex?
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
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