Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
Randomize
