You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
Is it cheating if its a threesome? This is more like a party game than infidelity.
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
Randomize
