Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
More importantly this is sex weather and i am striking out
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
i need some magic done to my vagina
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
