I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
How many weight watcher activity points do you think sex is worth?
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
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