He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
so... thinking about masturbating finally
taking the losers way out I see
i wish i could post a picture of his odd shaped penis on facebook and label it "wtf???"
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
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