Michelle and I recorded her bunny humping it's little rubber black ball.
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
I'm gonna play a drinking game called "Sarah takes the train"
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
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