the last time I saw her she was leaving the mens bathroom and club rush with her dress inside out. typical tease.
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
Clothing is a burden necessitated by propriety.
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