what do kids with lesbian moms do for father's day? like do you talk about it? is it awkward? do you get the butchy mom a card?
It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
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