my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
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