my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
that is very illegal...i love you.
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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