I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
Already puke and ralleyd and dressed like a bear.
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
Randomize