I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
Great, now justin bieber is gonna sing a song about chile
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
Im sitting on the exxon bathroom floor, idk if its healthy but it sure is cold
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
I CAN SEE SO MANY PENISES. There are so many visible penises here.
Where are you???
Yoga class :(
Randomize
