I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
i just made my gag reflex go away.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
It got weird I got a phone call while looking at porn and the video started playing while on the phone full on porn audio.
Randomize
