screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
i made this one couple from ohio so uncomfortable that they left....and that was WHEN I HAD PANTS ON
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
Randomize
