I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
Btw. U, me, male strippers, beer. Gonna happen. We could totally get TNT from like u know TNT places
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
Randomize
