Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
bio was interesting today. swabbed my mouth to see what the cells where, ha. found a sperm cell. he was just that awesome
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
Randomize
