I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
