If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
you could play connect the dots with the people ive fucked in this room
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
a large sweaty girl i dont know is sleeping in my bed. A scotish man and a small child looking dude are on the couches im on the floor sleeping and im ok with it
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
Randomize
