i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
and then you seriously asked him to senior prom..which freaked him out since you told him earlier you were 22
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
This Alex the guy who suck your belly ring
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
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