my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
On a lighter note, the guy I gave a lap dance to then fell asleep on his crotch just facebook friend requested me..
i just remember doing it on a pile of clothes while i heard the muffled sound of his friend laughing. then i realized we were in a closet.
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Randomize
