A joint and a Nerds Rope = breakfast of champions for the unemployed
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
i was asked to be gay of honor by three different girls and NONE of the groomsmen at any of the weddings is open to experimenting. i mean whats the point then.
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
