I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
You were being mean. And telling everyone to suck your six inch strap on. People were not pleased
Please be lying.
Im not. Your family was creeped out
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
Thanks for coming out I think haley is drunk enough for breast milk White Russians
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
Randomize
