This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
leads to pukin, then cryin, then 24hr masturbatin binge, then cryin again and finally a combination of all 3
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
