so he went down on me and i thought i heard him say "you're smelly" to my vagina
i got awkward and finally asked him what he said
he actually said "you want some dick?" to my vagina. which is worse? either way he's talking to it
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
The economy cant be that bad, I willingly got fired to bang her again.
Randomize
