Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
This night could easily degenerate into a drunken haze of strippers and gambling, but I need a support network.
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Randomize
