If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
CNN just did a special on how to do heroin safely.. I recorded it for us
So..I walked into his bathroom and found a bong and a blender in the shower.....normal?
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
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