JoAnns office is warmer than mine. . .it must be because she has the gateway to hell under her desk.
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
For the love of all that is holy just take the tranquilizers Erica
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