Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
I love online classes. Spent the last part of my lecture taking apart a teabag and filling it with weed.
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
Want to know what makes for a better story than treehouse sex? Getting busted during treehouse sex
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Randomize
