I don't even know what he looks like, all i've seen of him is his dick
the rest of him looks just as crooked
He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
Randomize
