I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
he was pretty good aside from the whole putting his tongue on my butt thing
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
How about we just fuck in random places all around campus, and skip the boring relationship part?
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
For a second fuck I think last night went extremely well... our sexual relationship is progressing at a pace that im quite satisfied with.
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
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