How's tricks little girl?
Trix are for kids, old man.
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
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