weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
Makes Sense, i generally dont want the same person two days in a row. Its like what i pick for supper, i like variety
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
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