Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
I've been back for one day and I've already given two bjs. Improvement from last year.
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Randomize
