so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
Randomize
