I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
Randomize
