our cab driver is having phone sex.
it's kind of slutty but what the hell, so are we
Everything that you guys said happened came back to me. like a tidal wave of regret.
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
Randomize
