Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
I have no idea where we are. But it doesn't look dirty so I don't think we are in jersey yet
well the hot one passed out so thats that, but then the fat one made chicken nuggets....totally worth it
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
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