The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
They need to eat meat, go down on me the first time, every time, and know how to pull my hair. And there's a height requirement for this ride
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
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