She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
what do people who dont have blackberrys do while they poop?
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
Randomize
