using no condom is gross. my vagina has a dress code.
happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
i have too much dick at my disposal? i should make them fight. best dick pic gets laid
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
Randomize