i make out with random ppl when i drink he shouldnt feel special
we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
dude, never let a drunk girl playbite your dick. the doctor came in laughed and left.
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
Totally forgot this... How weird was it when they were licking our faces
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
Randomize
