Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
Randomize
