ya dads aren't the best wingmen
he put $150 on the cabs dash so 9 of us could pile in and ride 3 blocks to the apartment.
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
We don't have the same problems as normal people do we?
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
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