she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
Go for the frenulum. Its like eating a popsicle. They go nuts with that shit.
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
