i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
So how was it?
The cemetery or the sex?
Randomize
