Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
I think I'm the first girl to break a bed with a guy, without even having sex with him while doing so.
So, my first week in Saskatchewan ended with me drinking moonshine and getting eaten out in a tractor. I already love it here!
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