Dude I just peed on my pants. not in them though. and yes there is a difference
And, I saw Emily's panties. How? She doesn't sit like a lady.
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
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